It’s been awhile since I posted anything here. It was either this, or call a counsellor, and I don’t have the energy to talk with them. Sometimes it takes everything I have just trying to get by. When faking normalcy requires soo much effort, how much does it cost to do anything more? I’m unsure if I’ll collapse or explode. If normalcy is a baseline, how far behind do I start? How much extra energy does it require for me to do anything at all, let alone great?
It’s been a difficult week. Sometimes my mental health struggles present individually, and sometimes they all decide to hit me like a gang in a dark alley. My ever-present anxiety tells me that I’m not accomplishing anything. My ADHD kicks in, and I begin so many projects, each leading to another, and none of them finished, which causes more anxiety, then bipolar depression tells me it’s all pointless anyhow, that we’re all just simple organisms who have developed to unfortunate ability to question life.
I don’t have any friends. I’m not saying that to be dramatic. I don’t have a single friend. Sometimes I consider confiding in a co-worker about some or all of my problems, just to say “hey, I’m really going through a rough time [life]. I struggle with my mental health. I don’t need anything from you, I just had to tell somebody.” But, I’m uncomfortable with that level of familiarity, and I’m unsure how it would go over. So, I guess I’m also to blame for my loneliness.
I really just wish I could afford to go back to the psych ward, where I’d be taken care of, and I wouldn’t have to pretend, a few months would be nice- maybe the winter, and I could try again next spring. But, for now I’m tired of writing. Maybe I’ll muster the energy to call those counsellors. I have to do something, something more than pretending.